


eHarmony

by tigerlady (shetiger)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-28
Updated: 2010-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-06 18:48:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shetiger/pseuds/tigerlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Wait. So you're saying that the women in this room are all competing for a chance to be with me, and I don't have to marry them?" (A return to the world from the episode 'Harmony'.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	eHarmony

"I can't believe Sam actually made _us_ come back here."

"I would have thought you'd be excited to return to Laeros, _O Mighty Warrior_."

Rodney glanced to the side, and sure enough, John had that "ha-ha, I'm so witty" grin on his face again. "Oh, yes. Because I enjoy being at the whim of a fourteen-year-old girl who can have me beaten by just raising her finger."

"But you're her _hero_, Rodney." John batted his eyelashes. Rodney hmmphed and turned his attention back to his feet. The wooden floor of the hallway had a tendency to dip and rise unexpectedly under the red carpeting, like multiple teams of carpenters had worked on the thing without any plan or purpose, hoping chance led them to meet up in the right spot. Which was most likely the case, considering how backwards everyone in this galaxy was.

"You're just happy because you're not the object of her crush anymore," Rodney said as they approached the outer doors of the queen's chamber.

"Hmm, let me think. Pretty much, yep." John aimed another one of his gleefully smug smiles at Rodney, then immediately turned to the guard at the door. "Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard and Dr. Rodney McKay to see the queen. She's expecting us."

"That would be _Hero of the People_ Dr. Rodney McKay," Rodney clarified, but the guard was already opening the door. He was surprised to see the room already full of people, mostly beautiful women, although he supposed he shouldn't have been, considering his fame. Harmony was poised regally on her throne, nose snootily tipped as she watched them cross the room.

"Welcome, Doctor McKay," she said, smiling warmly at him. That smile faded as she glanced over at John. "Colonel Sheppard."

"Your Highness," John said, far more politely than Rodney ever would have managed. "Your message said you have news for us?"

Harmony smiled again, and this time there was a relaxed girlishness to it that made her look almost pleasant. She waved her hand, and a young man, no more than sixteen, stepped out from behind the throne. "I would like to introduce my king-to-be, Antonio."

Rodney looked at John. John looked back at him, eyebrow raised, before turning back to the happy couple. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Antonio," John said. "And congratulations, Your Highness."

Harmony blushed. Fourteen, ruler of an entire civilization, and engaged to be married. Rodney tried to tell himself the queasiness in his gut was from hunger, but even he wasn't that oblivious. Maybe John had been right about what he'd said, about disliking the things in others that you dislike in yourself, because Rodney could remember exactly what it felt like to be that age and have expectations piled on top of him.

"Thank you," she said. She beckoned to them, then leaned forward in her seat once they'd climbed the first set of steps. "It has come to my attention recently," she said quietly, "that my behavior at our first meeting may have been less than...queenly."

Rodney shared another look with John. Of all the things he'd been expecting, an apology certainly wasn't one of them. "Ah, thank you, your Highness," he said.

"I am very sorry if I misled you," she said, brow drawn up in earnest consternation as she gazed at him. "I should not have let you think that the possibility existed that you could one day become my consort. We have many rules governing such things."

Rodney blinked.

"I'm sure McKay understands," John said, voice tight like he was holding back a laugh. At Rodney's expense, of course. "We have rules about these things, too."

Harmony nodded with finality. "Good. I still feel that I owe you recompense, however. That is why I have decided you must take part in the Ritual of Awakening." She sat back in her throne and waved imperiously at them. Rodney opened his mouth, but John yanked back on his upper arm--hard--forcing him to retreat off the dais.

"My dear people," Harmony said, voice pitched to carry to the entire room. "Hundreds of our most worthy have petitioned to take part in the Ritual of Awakening with Dr. McKay. But you are the ones who have passed the first test, and so you alone shall be offered the opportunity to seek his hand."

Rodney choked. "Seek my hand?" he squeaked out. "As in marriage? That's not a good idea. See, I'm just not ready for marriage, as I recently discovered. There was this whole, messy thing, and–"

"What McKay is saying," John broke in, "is that this _really_ isn't a good idea. Our people have a different way of doing these kind of things--"

"There is no commitment involved," Harmony said. She glanced to the side, towards Antonio, and her cheeks pinked up again. "Although most who find each other through the Ritual choose to pursue the relationship to a...certain point. It is different for the queen, of course," she added quickly, the redness in her cheeks spreading to her whole face. "I am expected to hold to a more spiritual path until I am certain of my choice."

"Thank God for small favors," John muttered, and Rodney had to agree.

"Wait," Rodney said, thoughts turning in a more pleasant direction. "So you're saying that the women in this room are all competing for a chance to be with me, and I don't have to marry them?"

"It is not a competition," Harmony said. "It is an opportunity to find the person you are most compatible with. Is this not something you desire?"

"Oh, no, I didn't say that," Rodney said, holding up his hands. "That's exactly something I desire. When do we start?"

"McKay," John growled. "Your Highness, thank you for the kind offer, but it's not really something we should be taking part in. Like I said, we have rules about these things–"

"Oh, sure. When it's my turn to get the beautiful women, that's when you bring out the Prime Directive." Rodney scoffed. "Please."

"I'm just saying--"

"It is already decided. Dr. McKay will undergo the Ritual of Awakening, and both our peoples will be better for it," Harmony said. She stood up and waved to a guard who had been lurking at the side of the room. "This is Tollence. He will take you to the audience chamber where you will begin the rite. You will receive each candidate there and have a short time to learn about each other."

"Speed dating?" John asked incredulously.

"I've never done it myself," Rodney mused. "But the idea does has some merit. Maximize the opportunity to encounter the right person."

"This is ridiculous," John hissed. He grabbed onto Rodney's arm again and pulled him off to the side, out of hearing range of the others. "We should get back to Atlantis. So you can do the actual important stuff you were wanting to do. Didn't you say you had a theory about recharging the ZPMs?"

Rodney waved him off. "It can wait. Besides, we don't want endanger our good relations with the Laerans now, do we?"

John frowned at him, but before he could try to put an order to his pissiness, Tollence cleared his throat and beckoned Rodney away.

*****

The room they left him in was the size of a walk-in closet. A walk-in closet with a large writing desk and two chairs. The only thing that kept his claustrophobia from kicking in was the floor-to-ceiling window that opened onto a tiny balcony. The constant cliff-side breeze billowed the scarlet curtains in and out, making the room seem just a little bigger than it actually was.

He'd been stuck in there for fifteen minutes, with no room to even pace, when the door finally opened. "It's about damn time," he snapped, and then immediately regretted it when he realized Tollence wasn't the one entering the room. Not unless Tollence had turned into a tall, blonde, really beautiful woman, one wearing one of those medieval dress-corset combos that really showed off her cleavage. Rodney scrambled to his feet, trying to remember how to make a good first impression. He was pretty sure yelling at a potential love interest wasn't a recommended technique.

"I'm sorry," he said, hope rising as she smiled shyly at him. "I just, ah. You know what? Never mind. Please, have a seat."

"Thank you, Doctor," she said, and wow, she actually fluttered her eyelashes at him. "It is such an honor to meet you, let alone participate in your Ritual of Awakening."

"The pleasure is mine," he said, and hey, he was getting pretty good at this dating rite thing. "So, we only have a few minutes?"

She nodded vigorously. "Yes, which is why I must skip ahead to the most important questions. Do you have children, Dr. McKay?"

"Excuse me?"

"I wondered if you have children, since a fine man such as yourself must surely have been married before." She smiled at him, and Rodney grinned back, pleased at her perspicacity. " At your age, anyway."

Rodney blinked. "At my age?"

"Yes, I assume you are a widower?" She waved off the question. "That's not important right now. Children? I only ask because I have three myself, and it can be difficult to blend young families."

"No, no children," Rodney said weakly.

"Wonderful," she said. She leaned forward, smile bright as she touched his hand. "Then there is nothing to keep us from having our own."

Rodney was saved from having to answer by Tollence sticking his head into the room and calling time.

*****

"How are you at housework?" candidate number six asked before he could even say hello.

"Ah, housework?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just like a man. I told Anise this was a bad idea." Then she crossed her arms over her (very nice) breasts and glared at him. She didn't say another word, waiting like that until Tollence reappeared.

*****

Potential love of his life number fifteen was very cute. Dark hair bobbed short around a pixie face, wide dark eyes and a sweet little smile. She gazed adoringly at him, and her voice was soft and kind every time she spoke.

Rodney really didn't make the connection until she told him how terrific something was for the third time in a row.

"You, ah, don't happen to like plants, do you?" he finally asked.

She pressed the palms of her hands together and practically squealed. "How did you know? Gardening is my passion!"

"Great," Rodney muttered, but thankfully the door opened, and the guard ushered in potential love of his life number sixteen.

*****

"I have heard rumors that you come from a planet with a great sea," number twenty-nine said, and Rodney bolted upright out of his slouch.

"Where did you hear that?"

She shrugged. The little head-bob that went with it made the red ringlets around her ears bounce fetchingly. "There are those among us who still speak with the Genii, and they say that your city floats on a vast ocean."

"The Genii," Rodney said flatly. "Great."

"Oh, do not worry. I do not hold any ill will towards your people for your alliance with the Genii." She sat forward, cupping her hand over his. "In fact, it could prove beneficial for both of us."

_Crap_, he thought, but then Tollence was there, ushering twenty-nine and her plans out of the room.

*****

Candidate number thirty-three was-- actually, there was no number thirty-three. Instead, after thirty-two walked out, John walked in, looking as smugly rakish as he always looked. Rodney didn't even mind the knowing smile he got when he slid down in his chair, too mentally exhausted to work up any ire.

"You have no idea what I've been through. Honestly, I'd rather face a hive full of Wraith with half a clip and one of Ronon's knives." He paused, looking up at John with concern. "I don't actually mean that. There's no Wraith coming, right?"

John laughed. "No Wraith, McKay. Not at the moment."

"Oh, good." Rodney rubbed a hand over his eyes. "God, I'm starving. Do you think there'll be food anytime soon?"

John backed towards the door. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you!" Rodney called as John slipped out. Tollence peered in at him with a strange expression, but since he did _not_ bring another candidate into the room, Rodney kept his insults to himself.

*****

Food, it turned out, was a giant buffet. A heavenly buffet, even, filled with things like mini chicken pot pies and tuna casserole and a nice selection of desserts, none of which appeared to be lemon meringue pie. Plus glasses and glasses of that nice fruity wine he always enjoyed when they visited.

A heavenly buffet, surely, but Rodney was trapped in hell. He'd been trying for half an hour to get within reach of a plate. As soon as one suitor stepped away, another appeared. Rodney had always thought that a room full of women fawning over him would be a dream come true, but right now, he really just wanted some mashed potatoes. With a side of banana pudding.

"How did a doctor come to be a soldier, as well?" supplicant number seventeen asked. Or maybe she was twenty-two; Rodney couldn't keep any of their faces straight at this point. "It seems to be such a contradiction, yet you accomplish both."

"I'm not a medical doctor," he said, and yes, there went her face, falling like they always did when he clarified his profession. "What I do is much, much more complicated than medicine."

"So complicated it's practically voodoo," John said, stepping in close enough that he practically peeled number seventeen off of Rodney's front with his own body. Rodney didn't care, even if John was doing the whole "I'm too suave and sexy for any woman to ignore" thing, because he had two plates in his hands. One of which was piled high with pot pie, tuna casserole, a slab of meatloaf **and** a giant pile of mashed potatoes. There wasn't any pudding, but Rodney could be forgiving of mistakes. Especially when John passed the plate over without having to be cajoled.

Number seventeen shot John a dirty glance, obviously disappointed at being interrupted, and then left after a polite goodbye. Rodney barely noticed she was gone, to tell the truth. He was just that hungry.

"Don't think I'm going to let that voodoo remark slide," Rodney said, potatoes shoved to the side of his mouth. "But right now I'm too grateful to bother."

"I'd eat fast, if I were you. I think the next part is supposed to start soon."

"Next part?" Rodney nearly dropped his plate. "Who said anything about a next part?"

John laughed and pointed towards Tollence, standing next to the buffet table with that same odd look on his face from earlier.

"Oh, God," Rodney groaned. "Why did you let me go through with this?'

John slapped him on the shoulder. "Buck up, McKay. Think of all those women, competing for your _hand_."

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Totally." John grinned at him. "Now eat your meat, and I'll get you some pudding."

*****

"A quiz show? You've got to be kidding me."

Harmony frowned at him. "I am not sure what you mean by a quiz show. The Round Table is simply an opportunity for all of the candidates to gather more information. To help them determine if they are compatible with you, of course."

Rodney frowned. "Wait. So they'll be judging me?"

"There are no right answers." Harmony rolled her eyes at him, then snapped her fingers at Tollence. "We should begin."

The Round Table turned out to be a round card-table-sized table at the front of the room. Tiers of auditorium-style seats stretched two-thirds of the way around it. Half of the seats were filled, each of the candidates with a paper and pen in front of them. Rodney tried to tell himself it'd be no different than giving a lecture at university, but it didn't feel the same at all.

"At least they're literate," he muttered to himself.

Somebody toed him in the thigh. Rodney jumped, then looked down at the perpetrator. "Play nice," John said. He was slouched down in one of the floor-level seats, right leg crossed over the left, head back against the edge of the backrest. "You were the one who wanted to do this."

"I am playing nice," he hissed. "I just--"

"This way, Doctor," Tollence said, leading Rodney down to the lone chair at the table. "If you are ready?"

"Yes, yes. Let's get this over with."

One of the redheads stood up. Number twenty-two. Or maybe number three. He couldn't keep them straight anymore, and he was pretty sure that was the opposite of what was supposed to be happening.

"Hello, Doctor," she said, and oh, yeah, he remembered that Kathleen Turner voice. Too bad she smelled like garlic and ripe tofu. "Could you tell me what your favorite food is?"

"Oh, that's easy." Rodney grinned. Apparently this whole thing really was about his preferences. "Rations. Especially the Turkey Tetrazzini. But I like any of the ones that don't have citrus, really."

The whole room seemed to pause, women peering at each other with puzzled looks, and Rodney realized that they probably had no idea what he was talking about. Before he could clarify, they shrugged it off and began writing it down.

A second woman stood up. "What do you feel is the most important quality in a potential mate?"

"Intelligence," Rodney said immediately. He relaxed when that answer was received without consternation. "Next question?"

"What would you say is the key to a good relationship?"

"I don't really know," Rodney blurted. The woman--number eleven, he thought--just kept looking at him, though, like she expected him to come up with a concrete answer. Panic rising up, he glanced over at John. John raised an eyebrow, and just like that, the answer hit him. "But, ah, isn't communication supposed to be the most important thing?"

The questions went on like that, getting more and more complex until he was literally squirming in his chair. The discomfort wasn't all psychological; he was pretty sure the chair belonged in one of those old schoolhouses, where teachers meted out punishment with paddles and disgrace.

He lost track of how many questions he answered, although he knew it was more than two dozen. But finally, no one else stood up.

"Ask him if he's a cuddler," John drawled. He had his feet up on a stool now--though where it had come from, Rodney had no clue--and he was fiddling with his PDA, just like he did whenever he got bored on a mission.

"Yes, yes, very funny," Rodney said. "Now, are we done? Because I really need to stand up and walk around."

"Are you a cuddler, Dr. McKay?" Tollence asked, and that was the first time Rodney could recall seeing an actual expression other than puzzlement on his face. It might have even been a smile.

"It was a joke," Rodney protested.

"Please answer the question," Tollence said, and yep, that was expression was definitely amusement.

Rodney sighed. Thirty-plus pairs of eyes were staring at him expectantly, so it wasn't like he could get out of it gracefully. "Sometimes," he said. "It depends on my mood."

Thirty-plus faces broke into smiles, and he figured that he'd answered at least one question right today.

*****

"You have beautiful eyes," number two said, pressing even closer into his arms.

"Oh, thank you. Ah, you too." Rodney was so tired at this point that he'd barely managed to notice she had two. He maneuvered them into a slow turn, then fell back into the shuffling box step that had served him so well most of the evening.

Except this time on the backstep, his heel clipped someone. He turned around, expecting to find another candidate, but to his immense relief, it was John. Number two slipped out of his arms. Rodney mumbled goodbye, but he wasn't sure if she heard him.

"You okay there, buddy?" John didn't look nearly as amused now, and Rodney was insanely grateful for that.

"No," he whined. John threw his arm around Rodney's shoulders, leading him off the dance floor and towards the benches that lined the edges of the room. Rodney leaned into his side, relaxing into the strength that had seen him through worse times than this.

"Why did it have to be dancing?" Rodney complained once he finally had his ass in contact with a horizontal surface. "I hate dancing."

"You looked like you were doing pretty good out there to me." John produced a glass of wine from somewhere and handed it over. Rodney drained it in one long gulp, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I can handle the mechanics," he said. "But it's the doing that gets to me. I have a very problematic lumbar region, you know."

"So you've told me." John rubbed his hand over the tight muscles in said region. Just a quick back and forth, not enough to really relieve the spasms, but Rodney felt better anyway. "Look, for what it's worth, I think you're through the toughest part. Just one trial left."

"Yes, and the last part is always the hardest. Don't you ever watch movies?" Rodney dropped his head into his hands. "They'll probably coat me in grease and award me to whoever hangs on the longest."

"Kinky," John said.

"My God, you really are a pervert."

"Takes one to know one," John said, and Rodney laughed into his hands.

"Come on." John slapped him between the shoulder blades, then stood up. Rodney raised his head to find John's hand outstretched in front of him. Rodney took it and let John do most of the work levering him off of the bench. "Finish this last trial, and then we can blow this popsicle stand."

"If there's anything left of me afterwards," Rodney said, but he followed John over to Tollence.

*****

"Behold the Key to Awakening." Harmony held up her hand, letting a chain slither into the pull of gravity. A pendant dangled at the bottom, heart-shaped and half the size of her palm. Rodney leaned forward, interested in something for the first time since lunch. The pendant was dark, but if he weren't mistaken, it was made from the same material as the angel-shaped Ancient key she wore around her neck. "Each of the candidates, if they so choose, may use it to see if the gods look kindly upon a union with Dr. McKay."

She placed her right hand on top of a waist-high column. Rodney peered over her shoulder, and sure enough, the plaster exterior was a mask for an Ancient interface, much like the one they'd found at the ruins. Harmony caught the pendant up in her left hand, and then Antonio twined his fingers with hers. The heart glowed amber between them, bright enough to leave no doubt in the room.

"That's fascinating," Rodney murmured. "It must be some kind of genetic compatibility test."

"A compatibility test, yes." Harmony frowned at him. "The gods bestow this final blessing on those they favor. You should feel honored."

"Honored, of course," he said sarcastically, but Harmony didn't seem to notice. She stepped away from the column, then handed over the heart. He took it with some trepidation, even though he knew it was harmless enough. He placed his right hand on the column, held out his left, and waited for the carnage to begin.

He wasn't expecting number six to be the first one in line. "I thought you said this was a bad idea!"

"I changed my mind," she growled, and then she slapped her hand into his.

Nothing happened.

To say he was relieved would be putting it mildly. Number six didn't seem to share his opinion, however. She gripped his hand tighter, grinding the edge of the pendant into his palm.

"Ow!" he yelped. "You don't have to break it!"

"The key is very sturdy," Tollence said.

"I meant my hand!"

Number six gave him one last squeeze, then let go, finally admitting defeat. Rodney wanted to cradle his hand to his chest, but number thirty-two was already there, holding out her hand.

It went on forever. He'd hoped that his...shortcomings would scare some of them off, but not a single candidate had skipped the final trial. And the heart failed to light up for each and every one of them. Rodney was surprised at how guilty that made him feel, each time a beautiful woman turned away with her head down. Relieved, but guilty.

"This cannot be," Harmony said after the final woman left the room. "I was so certain that one of them would be right for you. It is one of my gifts as queen!"

Rodney sighed. "It's not you. Who knows what crazy rules the Ancients imposed on this thing? It probably just didn't work because I'm not from your gene pool."

She shook her head. "No. It has worked for many of foreign birth. I will find you someone, I promise. Even if I have to bring in everyone in the kingdom."

John coughed. "Before we go that far, Your Highness, how about we try the last candidate?"

Rodney gave the room another once over, but there wasn't anybody around except for Tollence, Harmony, and Antonio. Well, and himself and--

"You've got to be kidding me," he said as John stepped forward.

John smiled tightly. "I have the gene. She couldn't keep me out of the testing."

"Yes, how hilarious." Rodney crossed his arms, tucking the pendant up against his ribcage. "Can we just go now?"

"Look." John stepped closer and lowered his voice. "She's going to keep us here until she finds somebody for you, or until she gets bored. What's the harm in trying?"

"Why? So you can tell everybody how I wasn't good enough for an entire planet full of women, so you had to swoop in and save the day?"

John looked down at his boots. "That's not exactly something I'd share with anybody, no."

Rodney huffed. "What, because of the stupid military thing? It's not like anybody would actually believe you--"

John looked up at him. His eyes said... Rodney couldn't believe what John's eyes said.

The whole day came rushing back to him, John's presence slotting into the puzzle in a new way. Kind of like the end of **The Sixth Sense**, only without all of the horror and sadness. Rodney tried to take a deep breath, but his lungs were tight, his heart pounding too fast from adrenaline. "But... I mean... Are you serious?"

John stared back at him for a long moment, and then nodded, ever so slightly.

"I never realized," Rodney said faintly. "But if you really mean it, I mean... I can't believe this is happening."

"Rodney," John said, and he held out his hand. "Give me your heart."

Rodney did.


End file.
